I am incredibly sensitive. I used to get so pissed when someone would call me that. I viewed it as I was being personally attacked and viewed as weak and pathetic. I knew that I wasn’t weak, or pathetic but that didn’t make me feel any better. I always felt as if I needed to defend myself. To prove that I wasn’t sensitive, since society made it seem taboo.
It’s taken me many years to start to understand myself. The mental and physical abuse from my past (that’s another story for a different day) left me very unsure of myself. I overthink the simplest of things, because I was conditioned to believe, I am a dumbass fat piece of shit. I still think that about myself today, but not as often. There is a part of my brain over the last few years that is starting to dominate some of those thoughts. It’s like I am two people. One who is very irrational in her thoughts, & suppressed by her depression. Easily overwhelmed by her anxiety, ptsd, and obsessive morbid thoughts that scare the living shit out of her. And then the other who is a fighter, she has boosts of confidence, remembers who she is as a person, logical as fuck, and sensitive.
Yep, there’s that word again “sensitive” the one that used to make me want to slap the lips off the person saying it to me. You see, as I am growing into myself and learning to stand my ground in my opinions, my beliefs, and the direction I want for myself/ family; I am starting to OWN being sensitive. I have come to find out after a lot of self reflection and dredging up memories. I am a Empath.
An Empath, I know what the hell is that right? Well I am relived to know its me. A person that is incredibly “sensitive.” Someone that is easily overwhelmed by other people, places, things, and animals emotions or their energy. It’s why I always FEEL everything. I love so hard, I care so deeply, I do not understand negative actions or emotions, they hurt me deeply. It’s why I find myself on the verge of tears in historical places or sometimes actually crying. It’s why I can watch the news and feel the pain of victims stories as if it happened or was happening to me. It’s why I have so many failed relationships, because I forgive people so easily or dismiss their bad behavior over and over again; because I see or feel some good in them and hold out hope. But what happens is, it drains me to the core. So bad that I will out of the blue cut them out of my life. It’s not until then, once, I have created distance that I will start to see them for who they are and be able to be strong enough to protect myself.
Being “sensitive” isn’t new to me, but being a Empath is. It’s foreign to have a word that describes me to the T. There is so much more description to a Empath, but I am just now learning myself. I feel relief to know I am not alone. I feel relief that I will be able to learn how to control myself better and get a grip on it, as it can be life changing and not in a good way if left out of control.
So from now on when someone says, “You’re too sensitive, ” I will smile and say, “Thank You.” And I am thankful, because even on my worst days, I can’t imagine not feeling what I feel. I wish everyone could feel the things I do on the level that I do. I truly believe the world would be a much better place. This may sound silly, but the best way I can try to put in perspective how I feel is Avatar Flight Of Passage. Yes, I am referring to the ride at Disney World (haha). Honestly, though I was fortunate enough to finally get to ride it a week ago and after it ended I fought back tears until I could get far enough away from people so they didn’t think I was a freak. It was the most beautiful experience and really hit home with how I feel everything. The sights, the sounds, the wind, the water, the different smells they use on this ride. It set my soul free, it was a major relief to finally felt understood and be able to enter a different reality where “I” made sense.
Unless you are like me, I am not sure you will understand. I suppose that is why we are all so diverse. It would be to bizarre if we where all the same, I suppose. So, yeah I will leave you with that word vomit to digest, until we chat again.