Tomorrow is another chance. It’s full of promises, I love you’s, kisses, hugs, I’m sorry’s, forgiveness. Tomorrow is to put the past behind you. Tomorrow is to make your dreams come true.

Tomorrow is NEVER guaranteed. I was just renewing my BLS & they said every 90 seconds a person dies of heart failure.

90 seconds – think on that.

Today we lost 9 souls to a helicopter crash. Some famous, some not so famous. Still lives non the less. Still people who had a significant role on this earth. Still individuals that had loved ones that are now left behind.

Children that never got the chance.

I prayed hard tonight as I laid in bed holding our daughter who was fast asleep. The tears rolled down my face.

I prayed for them, that they felt no pain. I prayed that they had a chance to hold each other tight in their last moments.

Things happen that we do not understand. Maybe in time we will, most often than not we won’t.

Death terrifies me. So much that I don’t like to talk about it much or write out my thoughts for fear they will come true.

Death is something I try to PRETEND doesn’t exist. The thoughts still creep around every corner. What if I loose the people that hold me together to a tragedy? What if they loose me?

It’s absolutely terrifying & yet we often loose sight of the important things in life. It takes a horrific accident to be blasted all over the media to remind us that we are HUMAN.

To remind us that TOMORROW, even the next 90 SECONDS are not guaranteed. Most of us are selfish. It’s in our DNA. It’s all about the me, me, me’s.

What about the US? What about your loved ones?

A simple reminder here.

Cherish those around you that have some kind of significance in your life. Be engaged with them. Love them, laugh with them, hold them tight. Remember this daily. Don’t get lost in yourself. Don’t get blinded but what & who is important.

Follow your dreams, live & love hard, & find a way to be HAPPY. For if tomorrow does not come. DIE with a full heart.

It’s a gift you can give yourself, thus in return giving that gift to the ones you leave behind.

XoX,

Jes

RIP To The Ones That Lost Their Lives Today On 1/26/2020 …

OMG You’re So Sensitive

OMG You’re So Sensitive

I am incredibly sensitive. I used to get so pissed when someone would call me that. I viewed it as I was being personally attacked and viewed as weak and pathetic. I knew that I wasn’t weak, or pathetic but that didn’t make me feel any better. I always felt as if I needed to defend myself. To prove that I wasn’t sensitive, since society made it seem taboo.

It’s taken me many years to start to understand myself. The mental and physical abuse from my past (that’s another story for a different day) left me very unsure of myself. I overthink the simplest of things, because I was conditioned to believe, I am a dumbass fat piece of shit. I still think that about myself today, but not as often. There is a part of my brain over the last few years that is starting to dominate some of those thoughts. It’s like I am two people. One who is very irrational in her thoughts, & suppressed by her depression. Easily overwhelmed by her anxiety, ptsd, and obsessive morbid thoughts that scare the living shit out of her. And then the other who is a fighter, she has boosts of confidence, remembers who she is as a person, logical as fuck, and sensitive.

Yep, there’s that word again “sensitive” the one that used to make me want to slap the lips off the person saying it to me. You see, as I am growing into myself and learning to stand my ground in my opinions, my beliefs, and the direction I want for myself/ family; I am starting to OWN being sensitive. I have come to find out after a lot of self reflection and dredging up memories. I am a Empath.

An Empath, I know what the hell is that right? Well I am relived to know its me. A person that is incredibly “sensitive.” Someone that is easily overwhelmed by other people, places, things, and animals emotions or their energy. It’s why I always FEEL everything. I love so hard, I care so deeply, I do not understand negative actions or emotions, they hurt me deeply. It’s why I find myself on the verge of tears in historical places or sometimes actually crying. It’s why I can watch the news and feel the pain of victims stories as if it happened or was happening to me. It’s why I have so many failed relationships, because I forgive people so easily or dismiss their bad behavior over and over again; because I see or feel some good in them and hold out hope. But what happens is, it drains me to the core. So bad that I will out of the blue cut them out of my life. It’s not until then, once, I have created distance that I will start to see them for who they are and be able to be strong enough to protect myself.

Being “sensitive” isn’t new to me, but being a Empath is. It’s foreign to have a word that describes me to the T. There is so much more description to a Empath, but I am just now learning myself. I feel relief to know I am not alone. I feel relief that I will be able to learn how to control myself better and get a grip on it, as it can be life changing and not in a good way if left out of control.

So from now on when someone says, “You’re too sensitive, ” I will smile and say, “Thank You.” And I am thankful, because even on my worst days, I can’t imagine not feeling what I feel. I wish everyone could feel the things I do on the level that I do. I truly believe the world would be a much better place. This may sound silly, but the best way I can try to put in perspective how I feel is Avatar Flight Of Passage. Yes, I am referring to the ride at Disney World (haha). Honestly, though I was fortunate enough to finally get to ride it a week ago and after it ended I fought back tears until I could get far enough away from people so they didn’t think I was a freak. It was the most beautiful experience and really hit home with how I feel everything. The sights, the sounds, the wind, the water, the different smells they use on this ride. It set my soul free, it was a major relief to finally felt understood and be able to enter a different reality where “I” made sense.

Unless you are like me, I am not sure you will understand. I suppose that is why we are all so diverse. It would be to bizarre if we where all the same, I suppose. So, yeah I will leave you with that word vomit to digest, until we chat again.

Sincerely,

Jes